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What’s insomnia and 13 ways to fix it

Admin

Article at a glance

This article will explain why sleep is so important. It will also offer a description of insomnia and of the two most important stages of sleep: deep and REM sleep. 

Lastly, it will offer tips on how to treat your insomnia in the following order

6 Things to avoid before bedtime
4 things to do before bedtime
3 things to do if you wake up in the middle of the night

It’s 3AM, you are lying in bed in the dark and are wide awake. How do you know what time it is? Well, you just checked your bedside table clock or your phone. Now, the only thing that matters to you is: ‘I MUST sleep’. The more you think about your lost sleep, the less sleepy you’ll get, because obsessing over it winds you up so much that your intention of slowing down and letting yourself go seems to be lost. And it might as well be. But why is sleep so important and what can you do to address your sleep problems?

Why is sleep so important?

Sleep is most probably the most vital activity of our day. That’s right, without sleep we cannot function to our full potential and therefore our day-time performance gets negatively affected. But why? Sleep has a restorative effect for our body and minds. It is during night time, when all is dark and nature quiets down, that we are meant to slow down and recharge our batteries. Our muscles relax to a point where they reach immobility and this will enable them to restore and repair themselves. Our minds also operate a sort of defragmenting, which allows us to consolidate our learning and memories so that we can incorporate new information the following day, and add to the pre-existing knowledge. 

So, no wonder we feel achy, confused, anxious and/or depressed after a bad night’s sleep. The lack of sleep, or disturbed sleep, is often referred to as ‘insomnia’

So… what’s insomnia?

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Photo by Acharaporn Kamornboonyarush on Pexels.com

Insomnia can be seen as an umbrella term meaning that you don’t get enough and regular sleep. This can be either perceived by you during the day or it can go unnoticed. Even if it goes unnoticed, at a cellular level your body will register the negative impact of bad sleep and you will not function properly – or at least as optimally as you would like. 

There are two important sleep phases that need to be mentioned here:

  • Deep sleep: this is the most rejuvenative sleep stage and it’s linked to muscle health
  • REM sleep: Rapid Eye Movement sleep is important for both your mind and body and is linked to memory consolidation and creativity. 

When these stages of sleep are regularly negatively affected, you will mostly likely suffer from insomnia.

Ways to treat insomnia 

6 things to avoid before bedtime

  1. Avoid drinking stimulants such as caffeinated coffees and teas before going to sleep, or any other drinks that contain caffeine, after 3PM
  1. Avoid sugary drinks, including carbonated ones or juice as they will make your insulin spike and make you alert before going to bed. 
  1. Avoid processed foods (junk food), such as sweets, crisps, microwaveable meals; same as above, they will make your body excited just before going to bed
  1. Avoid smoking cigarettes as this will increase your dopamine levels and excites your system
  1. Avoid looking at bright screens, such as TV and smartphones for a couple of hours before bedtime. Looking at bright screens will trick your brain into believing that it’s daytime and will make you very alert 
  1. Avoid physical activity before going to bed. This will release hormones that do not agree with relaxation

4 things to do before bedtime

  1. Relax by listening to soothing music or taking a bath
  1. Write on a journal by focusing on things that you are grateful for
  1. Make your room cool and comfortable. Lower temperature in the bedroom has been proven to facilitate and maintain good quality sleep
  1. Do some meditation if that is your thing – this will slow down your breathing and mind

3 things to do if you wake up in the middle of the night

  1. If you can’t get to fall asleep within 30 minutes, let go of that expectation and take some deep breaths
  1. Accept the fact that you might not fall asleep again during that night, get out of bed, do something relaxing (such as reading a book or drinking a hot non-sugary drink) and set the intention to spend a stress-free day and go to bed at a decent time the following day
  1. If you feel anxious or have a sense of doom, once again, don’t just lie in bed: get up and turn on a couple of lights just to orient yourself to time and space. When we wake up in the middle of the night, it can be quite disorienting for us and the darkness might feed into a sense of dread. This is just the legacy left to us by the primitive men so that we are always on the lookout for danger. 
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Photo by Buenosia Carol on Pexels.com

The main message is: sleep is extremely important, but you might happen to lose some. If that happens, accept that this is happening, put in place the tips provided above, and be nice to yourself. 

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What is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and 4 ways to know if you have it

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Post-traumatic stress disorder, commonly known as PTSD, can be very debilitating. It presents itself with a number of symptoms that can be distressing for both the person who experiences them and people who are around them.

It usually starts at least a month after a traumatic event takes place.

What’s a Traumatic Event?
Generally, it’s an event in which the traumatised person thought that they, or someone close to them, were going to die or suffer from severe harm. But it can include all sorts of experiences that are perceived by the traumatised person as dangerous.

What are the symptoms of PTSD?
Usually symptoms are grouped in categories:

  • Traumatic memories intrusions: this is when the person experiences flashbacks, in the form of images, feelings or body sensations.
  • Avoidance of any reminders of the traumatic event, even when the link is symbolic. For example, if someone had a car accident, which they found traumatic, they may not want to sit in enclosed spaces resembling the space within the car.
  • Sudden changes in mood and anxiety, which can be triggered very easily. This problem is also known as emotional dysregulation.
  • Being very alert and jumpy, for example when walking in the dark or hearing a sudden noise.
  • More often than not, feeling spaced out and experiencing out-of-body sensations. This phenomenon is also known as dissociation.

5 ways to determine if you have PTSD?

1. Find any written information pertaining to psychological trauma, from reputable websites and books.

3. Talk to your GP, as they will definitely have at least a broad idea of what PTSD is and can direct you to get the right help.

2. Talk to trusted people in your life, such as close friends or family members.

4. Have an introductory chat with a mental health professional, such a psychologist, psychotherapist or counsellor, to discuss your symptoms and whether it would be helpful to embark on therapy.

How can you cure your PTSD?
Bear in mind that one of the biggest factors that will not allow you to heal from PTSD is hiding your emotional struggles from others, because it reinforces your strong sense of shame. It is easy to blame ourselves for what happened to us, but it is not helpful or healthy. This is why trauma-focused psychotherapies, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) are the best ways to address PTSD, because they enable the person to break the spell of their traumatic past so that they can live in the present, without being dragged back to the traumatic experience... and finally move on.

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“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.”
Tori Amos

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Working from Home or Working from the Office: Finding a Happy Medium

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Due to the beginning of the Coronavirus era, there has been a lot of talking about working from home. There are benefits that have been highlighted: flexibility, better sleep, home-cooked food, working from abroad (but what about tax?) and so forth. 

There is no question that working from home has – rightly so – shaken to the core and challenged the idea that we all need to be glued to our office chair Monday-to-Friday 9-5 in some dingy office building with poor ventilation and loads of stress. At the same time, now that the lockdown restrictions have been eased, people are starting to feel some sort of itch around this lovely idea of working from home. 

Some people have started considering whether they should go back to the office now that getting out of your own house is allowed with the right precautions (by the way, folks, please make the effort to follow the Government directions, no matter how everchanging they are). Some others are religiously holding on to their newly acquired freedom and newly found rhythm and prefer staying home. 

I believe that it would be beneficial to branch out of your house to work, even if it is very, very part-time, for a number of reasons that I am going to list below:

  • Physical activity: do not underestimate how healthy it is to get up, take a shower, walk to the bus stop or underground station, or hop on your bicycle to go somewhere else than your sofa, bed or – if you are lucky enough to have one – your home office.
  • Sun light: if you go out, you are definitely likely to catch some sun rays, even if you live in the cloudiest weather. Daily 20-minute exposure to the sun has been linked to improved immune system and better mood.
  • Seeing people: even though you may not interact with others because you don’t want to waste energy dodging those infectious droplets of saliva, it is nurturing for your soul to see other human beings around you, besides your partner in pyjamas or those family pictures on your home walls. After all, no matter how introverted one can be, we are social beings and thrive in the company of others – it is written in our DNA. 
  • Working around people: our brains have what neuroscientists call mirror neurons, which start firing up when we observe other people carrying out an action, even though we are perfectly still. This means that if we are around people who are working – for example in  coworking offices – those mirror neurons will start working too and we will be more likely to follow suit. This could lead to better productivity. Basically, in less scientific terms, other people’s hard work will inspire you. 

Those are all the benefits of stepping out of the house for work. Mind you, I am not advocating for a full-time return to working from the office, especially if you don’t find it safe or sensible. I just wanted to loosen up the rigid dichotomy of absolutely-working-from-home vs. absolutely-working-from-the-office and suggest that – as it often happens – there is a happy medium that can be explored. 

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Are you a mind (mis)reader? When our negativity affects our love relationships

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misunderstanding-2421389__340Mind-reading is one of those abilities that most people would love to have in romantic relationships. Being able to read our partner’s mind would spare us from so many fights, arguments and disappointment. We all rationally know that it’s impossible to really know what goes through people’s mind, yet we stubbornly make assumptions as to what they are thinking and what the intentions behind their behaviours are. This applies very often to people who have been in a relationship for quite some time. But it also affects people who are embarking on a new relationship with a significant other.

Successfully guessing what another person is thinking, especially by analysing what they do, is a vital skill that enables us to deal with uncertainty and unpredictable events. For example, picture yourself walking on a pavement and about to cross the road. The little green man on the traffic light is giving you the go-ahead. However, as you look on your left-hand side, you see a car approaching at high speed and the driver has what seems a defiant look on their face. What do you do? Most probably you slow down and be safer than sorry. This is what we usually do to keep ourselves protected: we assess people’s behaviours, decide on what their intentions are, and act accordingly. When it comes to cause and effect situations like the one just described, the outcome is often straightforward. However, when emotions are at stake, the results are never so neat and they tend to complicate things.

Suppose you and your partner have been together for two long years. You can confidently state that you know them very well. You know what they like, dislike, love, hate, turns them on, etc. This is great, because it allows you to anticipate their needs, and to avoid or de-escalate situations that could upset them. Now, suppose you prepared a lovely evening for your partner. They call and say that they are stuck at work and have to cancel the date. This has already happened two months ago. And in previous relationships your partners have often been unavailable and unappreciative of your efforts. Think about the car approaching fast as you are about to cross the road: you read the driver’s mind and slow down because you want to keep safe. Now go back to the example with your partner and think about your past and sensitivity towards significant others not being appreciative. How are you going to read your partner’s mind? Chances are that you will make assumptions, which are coloured with your own fears, beliefs, expectations, and standards. So perhaps you will jump to the conclusion that ‘my partner doesn’t care about me’. This could make you very upset and angry and have a go at them. They are legitimate emotions that make sense given the context and your background. But have you asked your partner what they think? Have you explained what your thought process was when they told you that they had to cancel on you? Probably not, because you are now 100% convinced that you have successfully read their mind. The more upset you are about the situation, the more restricted your repertoire of interpretations will be.

Here is some advice to prevent you from (mis)reading your partner’s mind:

  1. Step back from the situation
  2. Identify what your initial negative feeling was: maybe sadness or anxiety masked with anger?
  3. Delay your reaction and take some time (maybe you can listen to your favourite music, or take a walk… or go shout in your panic room!)
  4. Once you cool down, approach your partner, tell them how you feel and be transparent with them by sharing your original feeling (i.e.: sadness rather anger). You will be surprised at how considerate and apologetic they will be with you. Or maybe this will simply spark a very meaningful conversation where you can share your feelings with each other and work towards a more open communication style.

This is not an exhaustive list of strategies that you could use, as it very much depends on your background, beliefs about yourself and others, and your partner’s history. If you feel that your emotions are too strong in situations like the one above, and that this has become a pattern in the way you operate in relationships: be kind to yourself and ask for psychological help in an individual or couple’s setting. It would not only help you, but also your relationship.

 

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I’ve been ‘unrealistically’ bad

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It is surprising and saddening hearing kind-hearted and levelled clients be hard on themselves for behaviours that are not socially desirable, i.e.: having an extra drink at a party and getting a little drunk, having casual sex, having an argument with a loved one, calling in sick at work on a bad day, etc. These are acts that are usually condemned in our society, where everything needs to look perfect and proper and no-one is allowed to make mistakes or have a slip-up. Well, at least this is what Facebook, social media and TV are telling us. But would it really be so unforgivable if we let ourselves go every now and then?

In my therapy room I have come across clients who reprimand themselves for such ‘bad’ behaviours. They end up labelling themselves as ‘bad person’ and try to remedy this by doing the ‘right thing’ and pleasing people. What always strikes me is that there is objectively nothing so wrong with the behaviours clients describe. I am not suggesting they lie or  are being too dramatic, as I appreciate and respect that their emotional pain is genuine and real. However, it soon becomes clear to me that they tend to hold very high expectations about themselves. As it always happens when we set unreachable objectives, we miserably fall short of them and this drags us into a vicious cycle of perfectionism: I want to be perfect > I set high standards > I fail to meet these standards > I feel demoralised and a failure > I maintain the high standards… and so on. It is evident that this type of cycle is not functional nor helpful, and it inevitably makes us anxious (‘will I ever meet my standards’?) and/or depressed (‘I will never meet my standards’).

So how do I attempt to help clients presenting with these issues? First of all, I offer a non-judgmental space where they can share their stories with no reservations. Then I help them unpick the supposedly bad behaviours and check whether they are realistically so bad (they might be, but it is vital we explore!) If we establish that the client holds unrealistic beliefs about how they should be or act, then together we explore where these beliefs come from. It should not come as surprise that often these beliefs stem from our childhood or early life experiences. Maybe we had demanding parents, or parents who would not notice us unless we were brilliant or impeccable, or bullying friends, and so on. It is not about investigating who is culpable of what, it is more about embarking on a journey of self-discovery in order to gain insight into why we do what we do. Gaining insight is already a huge achievement that – if met with an open mind – can allow us to rewrite our stories and set new and more realistically rules for ourselves.

We can make mistakes, we can mess things up, we can let people down… But does all this make us unworthy, unlovable or deplorable?

To put it in more prosaic terms: how about you cut yourself a little slack!

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What is ‘emotional dysregulation’?

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Emotional dysregulation is just a phrase to describe a difficulty in managing our emotions, which may interfere with our daily functioning at work and in our private life.

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When we are distressed or going through interpersonal turmoil, our threshold for stress in life can reach very low levels. This means that we may have strong emotional reactions when we encounter a difficulty, or when things do not go the way we would like them to. We may become irritable towards our significant others, or our mood may shift abruptly from happy to desperate in a matter of few hours or even minutes.

This can be quite an unsettling state of mind. It is as if what we could handle until recently suddenly becomes a hardship. Problems that we use to tackle without any effort can become insurmountable. These could be an argument with our partner or family, a deadline, burning a meal, or simply a crowded bus!

All of a sudden, all our resilience goes out of the window and we are left with a strong sense of inadequacy. To make things even more unbearable, people around us may be baffled by our reactions and pass comments that can hurt us even further. Typical comments that we can hear from others are: ‘Pull yourself together!’, or ‘What’s wrong with you?’ This happens in times when we actually need some compassion from others, rather than criticism.

There are at least two ways to look at this:

  1. Why do people around you react in this unhelpful way?

As I said before, they may feel confused by your sudden change of mood. They feel unsettled and end up mirroring your strong emotions. They may feel attacked by your irritability and become defensive. After all, how would you react if someone close to you snapped at you out of the blue?

  1. Why do your emotions feel so out of control? The answer, as it often happens when it comes to psychology, is not straightforward. It also depends on how acute the problem is.

If you have been experiencing these problems for as long as you remember, chances are that there is something deeper that you need to address. Perhaps as you grew up, your parents or whoever brought you up, were not a good model for you in regulating emotions. This is not necessarily their fault, as they might have experienced the same lack of guidance in their childhood, and this could go back for several generations up your family tree. If you feel that your emotions are uncontrollable and could put you, people around you, and the quality of your relationships in jeopardy, my recommendation is to seek help from a professional who can offer you the right support and guidance. However, you may find the tips below useful.

If you have developed these problems only recently, maybe you ‘only’ need to take a breather and look after yourself. You may simply need to dial down the amount of work you need to attend to. This is, of course, easier said than done! Work can be stressful in this fast-paced society. So how about creating lists of priorities/deadlines?

Are you a perfectionist and want to get everything done on time? This is a tough one. My strong advice is to decide what’s more important: work – or your health, life quality, and relationship with others?

Another advice is to surround yourself with people that can understand you and have a compassionate nature. They will be able to ground you and help you slow down.

Last, but not least, be compassionate towards yourself. I suspect that you would not start shouting at your friends if they were struggling with their emotions. If you did so, they would possibly get worse and isolate themselves.

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So why are you being hard on yourself? Why are you letting your internal voice berate you constantly?

Cultivate self-compassion on a daily basis and this will allow you to accept your emotions. Once you accept your emotions as they are – just emotions, not YOU – then you will be able to identify what tipped you off the edge and work on preventing this from happening again.