Are you a mind (mis)reader? When our negativity affects our love relationships

misunderstanding-2421389__340Mind-reading is one of those abilities that most people would love to have in romantic relationships. Being able to read our partner’s mind would spare us from so many fights, arguments and disappointment. We all rationally know that it’s impossible to really know what goes through people’s mind, yet we stubbornly make assumptions as to what they are thinking and what the intentions behind their behaviours are. This applies very often to people who have been in a relationship for quite some time. But it also affects people who are embarking on a new relationship with a significant other.

Successfully guessing what another person is thinking, especially by analysing what they do, is a vital skill that enables us to deal with uncertainty and unpredictable events. For example, picture yourself walking on a pavement and about to cross the road. The little green man on the traffic light is giving you the go-ahead. However, as you look on your left-hand side, you see a car approaching at high speed and the driver has what seems a defiant look on their face. What do you do? Most probably you slow down and be safer than sorry. This is what we usually do to keep ourselves protected: we assess people’s behaviours, decide on what their intentions are, and act accordingly. When it comes to cause and effect situations like the one just described, the outcome is often straightforward. However, when emotions are at stake, the results are never so neat and they tend to complicate things.

Suppose you and your partner have been together for two long years. You can confidently state that you know them very well. You know what they like, dislike, love, hate, turns them on, etc. This is great, because it allows you to anticipate their needs, and to avoid or de-escalate situations that could upset them. Now, suppose you prepared a lovely evening for your partner. They call and say that they are stuck at work and have to cancel the date. This has already happened two months ago. And in previous relationships your partners have often been unavailable and unappreciative of your efforts. Think about the car approaching fast as you are about to cross the road: you read the driver’s mind and slow down because you want to keep safe. Now go back to the example with your partner and think about your past and sensitivity towards significant others not being appreciative. How are you going to read your partner’s mind? Chances are that you will make assumptions, which are coloured with your own fears, beliefs, expectations, and standards. So perhaps you will jump to the conclusion that ‘my partner doesn’t care about me’. This could make you very upset and angry and have a go at them. They are legitimate emotions that make sense given the context and your background. But have you asked your partner what they think? Have you explained what your thought process was when they told you that they had to cancel on you? Probably not, because you are now 100% convinced that you have successfully read their mind. The more upset you are about the situation, the more restricted your repertoire of interpretations will be.

Here is some advice to prevent you from (mis)reading your partner’s mind:

  1. Step back from the situation
  2. Identify what your initial negative feeling was: maybe sadness or anxiety masked with anger?
  3. Delay your reaction and take some time (maybe you can listen to your favourite music, or take a walk… or go shout in your panic room!)
  4. Once you cool down, approach your partner, tell them how you feel and be transparent with them by sharing your original feeling (i.e.: sadness rather anger). You will be surprised at how considerate and apologetic they will be with you. Or maybe this will simply spark a very meaningful conversation where you can share your feelings with each other and work towards a more open communication style.

This is not an exhaustive list of strategies that you could use, as it very much depends on your background, beliefs about yourself and others, and your partner’s history. If you feel that your emotions are too strong in situations like the one above, and that this has become a pattern in the way you operate in relationships: be kind to yourself and ask for psychological help in an individual or couple’s setting. It would not only help you, but also your relationship.

 

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