I am not wrong, my past is

bunch of tulips in glass vase placed on windowsill

More often than not, in my practice I come across people who are haunted by their past traumas, for example difficult relationships with their parents, abuse or bullying. Especially during our first meetings, I encourage clients to start making connections between their present thoughts, feelings and behaviours and their formative years of life. This is what I call joining the dots in a psychologically informed way

For example, a client might struggle to form lasting relationships because they fear they will eventually be abandoned. So they either establish superficial connections with others; or they become quite attached to the very people that are bound to reject them, which in turn confirms their belief of being unlovable.

Therefore, as soon as they recognise their ways of operating in the present by making links to their past, clients develop new insights which render their current struggles less random and thus possible to tackle. However, it is at this stage that clients might start considering themselves as damaged goods and become hopeless, as they believe they will never be able to evolve. Or even worse, they feel that their predicaments are due to the fact that there is something irreparably wrong with them. They become cynical and this can stall their progress.

What I will never stop putting across to clients is that gaining insight is the very first important step towards healing. This represents a vital opportunity to appreciate that WHAT they went through is wrong, instead of thinking that THEY are wrong.

We as human beings have no fault for how badly or unjustly or uncaringly we were treated. However, we are accountable to take those steps that will allow us to heal by changing our behaviours, and to surround ourselves with nurturing people that can provide us with what we fundamentally need and deserve. 

In other words, we are not wrong, our traumatic past is.

Like in most cases, self-compassion is the key because, after all, if we don’t learn to truly acknowledge our worth, how can we expect that others will do that for us?

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